Upon getting the news, I was sort of prepared but never did I expect to know from him... He was the 2nd person who told me bout her leaving this world... Just that I myself dunno how to react... but the weirdest thing is I couldn't cry just yet as I felt tears were dry... When I close my eyes, the memories of her and me flashed and slowly fades... It's been 10 years she's with us... She got the freedom to do anything; eat, drink, follow us for holiday, laugh, share stories, advice, cook for us... She used to be someone whom I could share my secrets... She used to be someone strong... She'd do my favourite kuih each time i said i wanna eat "koci koci"... She ever fall coz she lost balance but when she pick herself up, she laughed at herself... She was okay despite the fall... She used to be someone who made us all laugh till our stomach hurts coz she "melatah"... She used to share with me stories like how she get her soulmate, how she survive the world war, how was the japenese soldiers, how was her life at that point of time, advice me on anything and etc... She used to call me "MISA"... The one and only person who called me that... Even if I've corrected her, she still call me "misa"... It's adorable of her... She's so close to me yet so far... Like we belong in the different worlds but our hearts stay connected...

Now, I'll never see that smile, I'll never hear her laugh, I'll never hear her voice... I'll never forget her gaze... Most importantly, I'll never forget her love... After what she'd done for me, hopefully angels would surround her in heaven...

I knew he'd be around on that day... Sooner or later, we'll meet and that day was one of those days... There's something unexplainable from your gaze... I always aviod it... Though I notice a pair of eyes observing me, I pretend not to notice coz my focus wasn't on him... It's sad when ppl you know became ppl you knew... When you can walk right past them like they were never a big part of your life... How you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely even look at them... Well, when it's time for you to head home, then u pretend to sort of realise my presence and pretend to be good... Like who cares... Hmmm... For example, you stretch your hand downwards and bend your body forward while saying excuse me when walking in front of me... Then you're like trying to strike a conversation but too bad I didn't give you any attention but just agreed that you're crazy... Then you did the same thing when you walk past me but for me, it was kinda difficult to meet that gaze but I gathered all the courage... Our eyes met and then he said "thanks for everything..." Then he smiled... I just nodded... He lumbered a few steps and turned to me saying "cousins ehh?" I nod again... I looked away... Heard him say "BYE" but I didn't reply... Den he said "BYE, haneesah!" I remained silent...

A friend once told me "a couple who fights most of the time even for the slightest matter is the couple who loves each other truly..." Thanks awk... For making me more defensive... Thanks awk... For loving me your way... Thanks for the broken promises and the bittersweet memories...

The day after.....

Finally, I let the tears flow... Perhaps it's because of me not feeling so good and not having enough rest coz I only slept a few hours and kept waking up... Having slight fever and I miss her... Seriously, it hurts real bad... When my eyes gazed on her smile, the tears cascade profusely... How she seemed so happy with my presence and her smile made me return that smile... She's been a good listening ear and I just love spending time with her... The best of the best great grandma in the whole wode world... Lucky me, I'm left with no regrets though I'm slightly dumbfounded that I wasn't there during her last breath :( at least I managed to express my feelings towards her and how I treasured those imes we had... My voice was shaky at that time but I couldn't cry yet :X Well, despite her gone, she still have a place in my heart... Still remembered that each time when she lay down next to me, and we faced each other, we exchanged smiles... everything seems EXTREMELY perfect when she smiled but when she shared bout her children's behaviour, I felt helpless and worthless... I could only listen to her sighing and all along she suffers in silence... It's really a wonder on how she can be VERY happy and also healthy when she's with us but when she's with their children, she felt like she's suffocated and lock up in a cage... Haiz... If she was given a choice, she'd wanna stay with us coz from time to time, she asked when will the lift be ready... Sadly, the ans would be a disappointment till now, she couldn't get her wish... Hopefully she rest in peace =))

I saw you at the funeral but I kept running away... I dare not meet your gaze when I stood facing you... At times, I'll just glanced at you... You know, you seemed so close yet you're so far... At that point of time, my head really hurts... I felt that there's a huge rock perched on top of my head... I closed my eyes trying to bear the pain... Who came to the picture? It was you and her... I realised I miss both of you... Especially when I was in the room @ uncle's place... Do you remember the day we changed her bedsheet? I ain't sure of how to change it but wih your guidance, we managed to complete the task and she was all smiles, appreciating our effort... She was ECSTAIC with our presence and even quesioned whether we're in a relaionship... He answered that someone yg terhegeh-hegeh kan dia o.O While on the way to visit her, it was raining... Thanks awk... For playing in the rain with me as we strolled hand in hand =)) It was a GREAT moment that I'll never forget... Felt like I was a child...

As the tears cascade down my cheeks, I finally let my true feelings out... I cried because of her and you... Cried because the love was too strong... I cried because I never thought I'd need you... Still recalled the day I cried and when you're around, you'd wipe my tears... In the end, I broke your heart... You seemed to move on with life already while I'm struggling and drowned with my true emotions... I'm not prepared... I dun understand why most of the things I do remind me of you... It's kinda ironic... Maybe I've start to fall for you but with the obstacles and objections, I can't sacrifice and it's been a burden to handle... I'm really really really truly am sorry... Deep down, I miss you =/ It's just difficult to let go.... Haiz...