Haiz... I'm down with flu and headache now and I feel so sick... My throat hurts too... Since yesterday I've been feeling like this n the day before... Is even worse... I feel like vomiting and at the same time, stomachache :/ Dunno what's actually happening to me or maybe now... Memang musim orang ngah sakit kut x_x Ouh well... the condition starts to worsen coz of my being stubborn... Knowing my condition, I know i have to have some rest... Anywaez, last period I slack all the way... I lay my head on the table... Tak terdaya betul... I'm like having fever coz I feel cold over me n my hands are starting to turn cold... I took temperature n it's only 37.2 degrees la XD Proves that i dun have fever but I feel so hot n_n hehe... Had some rest n sulyanna my parter who sat beside me help to calculate my marks... Thanks GURL! =)
Despite feeling kinda lethargic, i went for npcc training... Wasn't much of a surprise... There's speech day rehearsal and sec 3s,4s and 5 are the guard of honour contigent... And most of the time, i'm sniffing like some addict la XD Coz of this flu I'm having... It continues to flow profusely :/ haiz... Even when I drank water during water breaks, my throat feels different... Ouh well... Once, when I wnthusiastically run for the water cooler, I embarrassed myself... Coz the ncc guys were there ^-^ So, we went back n wait for them... It wasn't that cold thought that water cooler... So, went up third level and drank the water cooler there which was cold n could make u freeze n_n
Did the marching in n march out... I love some parts when the NP GOH banging... IT's a solid bang la... I beamed... Coz that time we were showing the ncc how to do "jadikan dua barisan ke kanan lurus"... And when sir gave us the sedia command, the banging was a solid one la... FUH... It's a sense of satisfaction...
However, kene tekan juga... still did some pumpings... Only after being dismissed... While doing drills, though I wasn't that focus I didn't make any mistake =p but when sir said "who made mistake, down 5" I sniffed XD haiz... Abih lepas tu kene marah... Those who didn't made mistake, we're told to do to and we're being labelled as SELFISH... It's pathetic la... Thought those who made mistake must down but those who didn't no need to do... I was sniffing non-stop... enduring the pain even if I know anytime I could fall out as casualty but i wanna know how it's like being in GOH contigent...
Ouh well... Everything is our fault la... Human beings do make mistakes n we're not perfect... Not blaming anyone here but it's a fact... Whatever it is... Perhaps it's my fault for not owning up when being asked whether i'm feeling well or not... But must it be so tense? I'm not asking for a relax or slacking one but can it be more reasonable n listening to our reasons? Everything, it'll be like "my problem? His problem? Our problem?" Then when we turn and tell our problem, we're being told like dat, why should the CI be around? We're to blame if there's no initiative to ask... even if we did ask, will the response still be the same? "
MY PROBLEM, HIS PROBLEM? OUR PROBLEM?"
And as NCOs... Disappointment after disappointment... Our weakness there... But why look at the flaws only? Must NCOs be perfect when even a human being can't be perfect?!
Haiz... It's just so difficult to take up this responsibility... So stressful... Conflicts after conflicts... Sometimes, I had enough oready... I know myself... And I dare say I do blame myself coz I know I have my weaknesses... Perhaps I've oready failed as an NCO :/ I dunno... No one else is to be blame except yourself... That's why I dare not look at their eyes when I talk to them... I'm just staring at the ground... Perhaps they could assume that I'm being disrespectful but I just can't face them...
As for our mistake, we're being told to run from NP room to the quadrangle where there's the flagpoles... Then, touch the sch flagpole, afterwhich, ran up the stairs at the science block... Not once but twice... With hurt knees... coz of doing push ups in a faster rate... Coz of not being able to answer questions... And for helding back the juniors when they dun even ask for permission to enter the room... Dun wanna see our face after we took our bags n want us to leave? No point for us being NCO's la like dat... Strip off the npcc badge from our collars?
Just feel dat way... Today's training was really tense n it's just the beginneing... Hopefully I could endure... NP camp is just around the corner...
Ouh well... The more I say... The more I feel hurtful and ade juga la eh siape2 yang terase kat luar tu... And furthermore, why now I have this flu? :/ haiz... Tmr have campcraft competition... With this condition... Just do well and give it my best shot... Oh god! please give me the strength...
Since ur still that way... I can't do anything else... Though at class I finally see that grinned look due to someone... Why avoid? Just scold, criticise, hurt me but please... Dun avoid... It's more worse... I dun even know what I did wrong... Ouh well... If that's ur choice, I can't do anything... But then and again... please give a thought about this friendship... Anywaez... I dunno y he's still there for me... Still there to support and motivate me to do well for my studies... Still there to show care and concern... What's the meaning behind all this? He's still close though he's somewhere far apart... Weird...
Hmm... K la... I gtg... Wanna have my rest...
Signing Off
Haneesah
