School was okay... I did have blues coz of the weather... It was rainy... Drizzling n all... Only 2 things... Hungry n Sleepy... Though I dun have the appetite to eat that much =p Entah la... Macam takde mood gitu... I was looking forward for NP training... But it turned out to be...
Unexpected... Fall in late... Did pumpings... Due to those who change late... Den when change to PT kit pun ade juga orang yang lambat... Haiyoo... Campcraft was next... We pitch a tent... My mood was there... To help out instead of being lazy ^-^ But then... I screwed up! I simply totally forget everything... Haiz... My mind went blank... How pathetic can that be?! It's really useless la... Feels like a complete loser... Sec 3 oready dunno how to do such thing... Den I began to realise... I dun think I'm fit to be an NCO... Still got so many things which I'm not sure... Perhaps I should not just keep quiet... Start asking for help x_x
Sir was also disappointed... Can see from his expression... This time round... I've thought about it... It was our fault for not having the initiative to ask... Haiz... Being an NCO was just tough... And I couldn't imagine if I were to hold a higher rank... Or maybe no! Dun dream of getting staff sergeant la... Some ppl say I do have the potential to go further... But the way it is now... It seems hopeless n helpless... I dun think I even deserve to get that rank...
The only great time I had during training today was outdoor cooking... My group was okay... All guys... 1 from sec 2 n two or three from sec 1... Helped them out and soon they were cooking their own maggie... Sir told me to cook for them hotdog n egg... So, Asila n I cooked for them =p pakai minyak... Den, sir called onto me n asila... Bila nak naik this steep kind of staircase, I tripped... It's like all the sirs saw la n_n Sir Wei Xiong asked whether I'm fine or not n I simply laughed... Tutup rase malu ^-^ Someone whom sir called besides me, laughed... Paiseh seh... Then, we headed towards the np rm...
The NP rm was not locked :/ Den, we quickly went back to the mass tins since we poured the oil oready... Started to cook n I also feel like eating hotdog... Cooked one... Asila gave the sirs theirs n I cook for myself, anisa n those who wants the hotdog... Berselera seh makan... And the guys in my group were nice! They help clean the mass tins instead of depending on me to clean it for them... Thanks guys! :)
Clean up n return everything... The NP rm door was like stuck... So, I thought of holding onto this part of the door n try push it open... It did open n I was relieved... Soon, sir came in n he gave an unflinching stare... He actually lock the door... But I forced it open... So, the blame was onto me... Safirah, me, anisa n asila worked together in arranging the mass tins... After dat, time for bersurai...
Had some briefing... By Mr Yap n the sirs... Mak oii!!! Berbual punye la lama... Haiyoo... He talked to those admin ppl n we were getting restless... Everyone of us was quiet... Tapi agaknye ape yang dia cakap masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri... It did make an impact in me... I just feel so useless n helpless... Tears began to cascade down my cheeks... Anisa who sat infront of me asked me y n told me not to cry... I regained my composure... I sighed with relief when he finished talking... Went to MR Wong n asked some questions... After dat, briefing with the sirs in NP room...
Most of the time, I was staring at the ground when the sirs were talking... Feels so small... It's oready like 3 months being an NCO and we still dunno small things like pitch a tent, tie bowline all that... When the sirs was pointing to our mistakes, I was fighting with my own feelings... Trying my best to not cry... I know I'm weak... And just dun feel I could face all this... That's y I'm like staring at the ground... Not daring to meet any of the sirs eyes... We do make mistakes... But please... Dun insut or criticise saying something like "short... curly hair..." Dat does not seem to be a mistake >.< Ppl have feelings... Surely it'll hurt if ppl were to say those kind of things to u...
With all the mistakes made today... I dun feel that I deserve to have the NCO post... I did not have enough knowledge... I know that... And besides that... It's just so tough... Haiz... I'm just stating out my thoughts n opinions bout this la... No offense... If one were to compare those times during their batch, surely it'll be different... And what's there to compare since it's oready in the past? I'm weak... I dun have what it takes... I'm a letdown I know...
It really was disappointing... I was even disappointed with myself... How come I could forget like almost 90% of what has been taught... My mind went blank n it seems I dun remember much... Reached home... I breakdown... I let it all out... By crying... I've got no more strength to shout out loud... And I do not need a reason to be angry with God since it's me... My own weakness... Was tired of all this... Sick n tired of everything... Just wished I could like start dat bad habit... But when I think bout it, it's not worth it... Jangan terlalu mengikutkan perasaan... HE's with me... So, I just hope for n prayed for his guidance, strength to carry on n face my challenges... Overcome my fears... Hopefully everything would be fine... Hmm... K la... I gtg... Have some rest... It's been a long day n alot had happened... I've got other things to worry about... Byeez...Signing Off,Haneesah
